Half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting.
-Randy Pausch
I finished reading the book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. The author has a fatal disease (pancreatic cancer) and wrote the book at a time when he had only a few months left to live. I underlined various advice he had for the reader one of his advices that struck me the most was on forgiveness. He begins by saying how he would discuss with his students the proper way to apologize, which, by the way, is very Islamic. :)
Working in groups was crucial in my classes, and friction between students was unavoidable. Some students wouldn’t pull their load. Others were so full of themselves that they’d belittle their partners. By mid-semester, apologies were always in order. When students wouldn’t do it, everything would spin out of control. So I’d often give classes my little routine about apologies.
I’d start by describing the two classic bad apologies:
1. I’m sorry that you feel hurt by what I’ve done. (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it’s obvious you don’t want to put any medicine in the wound.)
2. I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done. (That’s not giving an apology. That’s asking for one.)
Proper apologies have three parts:
1. What I did was wrong.
2. I feel badly that I hurt you.
3. How do I make this better?
Yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three. But most people will be genuinely appreciative of your make-good efforts. They may tell you how to make it better in some small, easy way. And often, they’ll work harder to help make things better themselves.
Students would say to me: What if I apologize and the other person doesn’t apologize back? I’d tell them: That’s not something you can control, so don’t let it eat at you.
-Randy Pausch
Beautiful advice. It’s funny, because I had a rocky weekend lately, and my friend sent me a beautiful apology e-mail. I thought of Randy before I responded. So I made sure that I apologized back. To say I’m sorry to somebody is such a sign of humility you just have to accept it. To not accept an apology is a sign of arrogance and that it a whole other blog entry. Within seconds after reading the e-mail from my friend, all sadness and tension within me vanished.
Not forgiving somebody can lead one to harbor rancor in his/her heart. And I learned the HARD WAY to never do this again! Shaykh Hamza Yusuf was right when he said that the person who harbors the rancor is more harmed than the person who is the target of rancor.
